find me a sunset

13 April 2005 | Wednesday | 9:20 am.: ...

We said goodbye.

And also I wanted to add, I really wish we had more time.

8 April 2005 | Friday | 6:43 pm.: An Apology

Forgive me
for backing over
and smashing
your red wheelbarrow.

It was raining
and the rear wiper
does not work on
my new plum-colored SUV.

I am also sorry
about the white
chickens.


-F.J. Bergmann

I never liked that WCW wheelbarrow poem anyway.

31 March 2005 | Thursday | 6:54 am.: Martin, kamukha mo yung userpic ko. hehehehe. :D

11 March 2005 | Friday | 9:58 pm.: A big CONGRATS to my friends & orgmates who won this year's Pasiklaban. Balita ko sobrang performance level raw. Sorry I couldn't be there.

In the words of Soki, "Grabe we keep winning. We're so jologs kasi e."

I missed the Mahal sexserye. What a loss.

5 March 2005 | Saturday | 9:08 pm.: Margaret Atwood
Variations on the Word "Sleep"

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

26 February 2005 | Saturday | 10:55 pm.: In memory of the my villanelle attempt #598705097560056
Mad Girl's Love Song
--Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary darkness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said.
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)




I love Sylvia Plath. I'm a necrophiliac.

15 January 2005 | Saturday | 12:33 am.: DAVID!!!!
help with 162 please?

25 December 2004 | Saturday | 12:45 am.: Merry Christmas everyone! :D

8 December 2004 | Wednesday | 11:56 pm.: birthday ni nikki!!!
Happy happy birthday to my bestfriend/roommate/personal alarm clock/eternal psych participant/partner-in-crime Nikki na katabi ko lang ngayon habang sinusulat ko ito. :)

I love you at sana hindi mo ko inubusan ng tubig sa banyo.

3 December 2004 | Friday | 9:19 am.: "What the Living Do"
-Marie Howe

Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for days, some utensil
probably fell down there.
And the Drano won't work but smells dangerous, and the crusty
dishes have piled up
waiting for the plumber I still haven't called. This is the
everyday we spoke of.
...


But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of
myself in the window glass,
say the window of the corner video store, and I'm gripped by a
cherishing so deep


for my own blowing hair, chapped face and unbuttoned coat
that I'm speechless:
I am living. I remember you.

29 November 2004 | Monday | 7:16 pm.: yesterday, i got stuck inside a penshoppe fitting room. there weren't so many people inside the store, so i had this serious urge to yell Sunog! and then crawl out of the booth when everyone's out.

finesse, my friend once told me. "ever heard of it, dear?"

21 October 2004 | Thursday | 3:36 am.: I Was Taught Three
by Jorie Graham


names for the tree facing my window
almost within reach, elastic

with squirrels, memory banks, homes.
Castagno took itself to heart, its pods

like urchins clung to where they landed
claiming every bit of shadow

at the hem. Chassagne, on windier days,
nervous in taffeta gowns,

whispering, on the verge of being
anarchic, though well bred.

And then chestnut, whipped pale and clean
by all the inner reservoirs

called upon to do their even share of work.
It was not the kind of tree

got at by default—imagine that—not one
in which the only remaining leaf

was loyal. No, this
was all first person, and I

was the stem, holding within myself the whole
bouquet of three

at once given and received: smallest roadmaps
of coincidence. What is the idea

that governs blossoming? The human tree
clothed with its nouns, or this one

just outside my window promising more firmly
than can be named

that it will reach my sill eventually, the leaves
silent as suppressed desires, and I

a name among them.

18 September 2004 | Saturday | 10:36 pm.: Post something that you'd like to do with me someday, then post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you.

2 August 2004 | Monday | 7:59 pm.: this day shall be over soon.

Lara, if you're still alive, magparamdam ka. :)

18 July 2004 | Sunday | 8:15 pm.: the weather's funny.

in high school, my friend kai used to say when she found me gloomy (which i was all the time) that i should just go blame the weather. i've always thought that was a stupid thing to say though i never told her that. in high school, you can bring a chainsaw to class and kill everyone responsible, and the world would be a pretty place again. no need to go philosophical about the weather.

and what i'm really trying to say is...

i don't know.

i'm just filling up space. i have things to do, a paper i should have sent hours ago, readings left to read, exams to study for, and a whole life to figure out. and this stupid rain is messing up my head.

i hope though that it rains tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after the day after that.

then maybe i wouldn't have to go to school. i'm still in cavite, and really i've done nothing academically relevant for the past two days.

isn't that sad? oh well, everything is sad.

i'm going offline now. hello lj world, i'm still alive.

3 June 2004 | Thursday | 3:47 am.: i can't sleep. :(

31 May 2004 | Monday | 4:16 pm.: The Red Poppy
Louise Glück

The great thing
is not having
a mind. Feelings:
oh, I have those; they
govern me. I have
a lord in heaven
called the sun, and open
for him, showing him
the fire of my own heart, fire
like his presence.
What could such glory be
if not a heart? Oh my brothers and sisters,
were you like me once, long ago,
before you were human? Did you
permit yourselves
to open once, who would never
open again? Because in truth
I am speaking now
the way you do. I speak
because I am shattered.

31 May 2004 | Monday | 4:08 pm.:

there's this film on star movies where there's this really big squid that eats people and the people are like - what are we gonna do, what are we gonna do? so the government assigns this  smart guy who's in the research team (but for some reason doesn't know the chemical formula for sulfuric acid) to battle the squid and after almost an hour of fighting and countless oh fuck oh fucks, our hero finally crushes it with this gadget and returns back to shore where his worried wife hugs him with tears and once again they profess their undying love. the end.

stupid tv.

30 May 2004 | Sunday | 9:18 am.: sunday morning and i have f*cking dysmenorrhea.

27 May 2004 | Thursday | 12:19 am.: this connection is sooo slow...

anyway, nikki was here a few hours ago. she dropped toblerone and chocolate pie sandwiches that are all gone now, thanks to our summer appetites. we're going to UP this friday for classcards and i need to meet jannelle for the daluyan stuff since i didn't get to meet her last tuesday. i'm not excited about doing either, but at least i'll have some reason to get outta here.

things i still have to do: write the sikolohiyang pilipino short story due... guess what - two hours ago. (it needs to have a moral lesson raw. now what the fuck is that?) plus i do need to work on the daluyan stuff, make my mark haha whatever.

i need to end this entry now. i don't think i'm making any more sense.

8 May 2004 | Saturday | 1:13 pm.: this address is linked to a loser's blog.

which sucks by the way.

25 April 2004 | Sunday | 9:23 pm.: babalik na naman ako sa UP bukas. sa totoo lang, ayoko nang pumasok. ayoko na - tinatamad na ako. sawa na ako sa uber boring na nat sci at sa mga epal kong classmates sa panpil. gusto ko na lang mag paka geek sa libe buong araw.

nga pala, FOPC na bukas. wala pa kaming sked ng mga tatambay. ayoko ring tumambay sa vinzon's dahil matutunaw ako sa init. ewan ko ba kung bakit ginust kong mag officer - tamad naman ako. ngayon pa lang gusto ko nang magback out. nakakapagod kasi. rewarding pero frustrating rin. parang ganon.

wala na sina george at anna at lek bukas. grumadweyt na sila nong sabado. hindi na sila bukids - bukboks na. lilipas pa ang ilang taon, baka magaya na sila sa mga sheteng bukboks na makikialam lang kapag gustong magpakasikat. iba na raw kasi ang buhay sa labas ng buklod, sa labas ng UP.

ayoko pang umalis si lek. ayoko pa talaga. :(

18 April 2004 | Sunday | 11:30 pm.: my friendships have been reduced to tedious obligations.

and i'm tired of updating. heh.

18 April 2004 | Sunday | 11:20 pm.: david : wala na kong life...

me: that's okay. lahat naman tayo e.

david : hindi talaga, feeling ko - wala na kong life.

(silence)

me : oo nga david, wala ka ngang life.

6 April 2004 | Tuesday | 3:27 pm.: i really am getting older.

seeing erika and the rest of the guys made me feel exactly that. it was a full moon, reminiscent of the time we got george drunk in balsa when we celebrated my birthday months ago. this time, there was less alcohol (only red wine which we forced nikki to gulp down), and we danced.

every meeting with my old friends reminds me of past selves - of how different people can connect in different ways and then grow up and forget all about it, attribute it to time and chance. it's like learning all over again how to start anew, without involving the people you once loved and then realizing you would rather not.

maybe, that's what getting older is all about - a losing and regaining of faith.

getting older means more responsibilities which almost always equates to a more difficult life. dancing with george four years ago in an uncomfortable gown never made me think of how i would dance with him later on, under the same moon, wishing we could still be the friends we were. a year after the incident with candy, i feel my friends and i still have to get used to her absence, the lack of the profundity and superficiality that she is - that we all are in different ways. i guess getting older means making peace with the fact that we can't/won't see people the same way later on, and knowing that despite that, there will always be room for acceptance. it means knowing angst doesn't answer for everything.

because there will always be the little battles, from my grades to the people i love and don't love me back to my ever futile search for something bigger than this -

what indeed makes one happy?

the classic question, and i don't have answers.